Mailing List Madness

Knock on wood, the national "Do Not Call List" has done the job as far as my cell phone is concerned. If I only for the "I Never Signed Up for Your Damned Mailing List so Why Do I Constantly Receive Junk Mail from You?" list.

Recently, much to my chagrin and that of a neighbor in my townhouse complex, I've received regular marketing correspondence from a prominent cruise ship line. Problem #1: I never signed up to receive them. Somehow, my mailbox began filling up with the myriad-sized mailers about 8 months ago. Problem #2: the company doesn't even have my correct address.

For about five minutes those months back, the U.S. Post Office did have on record wrong whereabouts for Mr. Gray, and I take full responsibility. Before moving in, I asked my roommate to verify the street address and I was given an incorrect unit number. So, there you have it. I quickly changed it, but all the junk mail I received at my previous apartment was now destined for my new abode. Yet I never received anything before from the aforementioned company, where they've got fun.

The also apparently paid to blaze the path to my front door, or have my mailman do it for them. Repeated attempts to get them to take me off their list have proved fruitless. Their web site is about as useful as the skin on my elbow, which simply dries and cracks. I've resorted to becoming a metrosexual to some extent in my old age by using buffing cream to sooth it. But that's an entirely different blog altogether.

I've tried to navigate the site, and I'm somewhat an expert having previously served as an Internet project manager besides being a Web copywriter. On two separate occassions I've spoken with customer service reps, whose real jobs are to book me on a 3-, 5-, 7, or 14-day excursion to the exotic location of my choice. Each time I could almost see them grin and bear my request to be taken off the list. With a friendly tone, they both told me they didn't have access to that database, but they'd certainly make a note on my account. My account? I've never taken a cruise with your company, so how can I have an account, that is besides the one that your damned collateral is mailed to?

Now, I used to work in marketing, and in fact I was responsible for identifying candidates to receive the company's direct mailers, and then I'd purchase the lists and manage the whole process. It's a billion-dollar a year industry, if not more. Sure the Internet has changed it ... don't think for one second it's dying. Not even the Internet spam protocols seem to be working all that great. I even receive emails from the bastards, though I was able to opt-out of that one.

If only I could opt out of the U.S. Postal Service. Then I might be able to give my waste paper basket a break and do my part in saving the rain forest.